1. If anyone's interested in finding me on Facebook, I'm now there. My profile info has my real name, along with my birth date (July 10, 1981), relationship status (single), and one very dorky two-year-old photo of me...I'm the one with my hands in my pockets, in the blue sweatshirt standing next to a parking lot. I've got long brown hair (in a ponytail) and glasses, and I'm also wearing blue jeans in that pic. I put up a blurb on my wall about wanting to tell the nice folks over on Rosenrot.ca and you guys ("my LJ friends list") that I'd made a page. I even joined the R+ group there, though I haven't posted anything to it yet. (Don't know how to introduce myself.)
Easiest way to find me, for anyone who doesn't have my e-mail address: I graduated from Nordhoff High School in 1999, and included that in the profile.

2. I realized that, on the whole, I've hated what my ordinary life has become...need to change that. Still have five more months until I move, though, and as Tom Petty once put it "the waiting is the hardest part". I figure things will at least feel like they're happening once February rolls around and I actually get the hell out of Auburn. Come June, I plan on taking my trip to my home town (as well as where my parents live now; my kid sister's graduating from high school), which should also be a turning point for me.
All I need to do now is get through the next five months without losing my mind. Meeting people--making friends, basically--should help with that. The drive I've had to hook up and get a boyfriend seems in large part to be really about doing what I love and having people to do it with. As for dealing with my family, I think I have ways to do that. Mom and my sister have been good to talk to; my stepdad pushed the religious angle, which really pissed me off, but I'm determined to not let even that get in the way of at least seeing what kind of a relationship I can have with him (if any).
Maybe I'm getting it together finally and doing what I'm beginning to call My Work--breaking out of the shell, basically. Going down to California to put the past behind me and visit my family is something I see as a prelude to more-exciting things like enrolling in community college and actually socializing with people.

Have been meaning to post here more often, but I keep giving in to the ennui--and wondering what the hell I have to say that could run for whole paragraphs. So here are some mini-blurbs...

1. Regarding the new R+ album: wake me when it's over, the CD comes out, and I own a copy. The pics are nice; the news...a little inconsistent. I'm sure it's going to be great, or at least very good, but the flak about leakage of pics and unofficial stuff...so Pilgrim is a bunch of pricks. So they couldn't promote sliced bread, let alone a band's new album. I'm just waiting, which is all I can do. I do my part and keep up on the latest developments and generally stay out of the fray when it comes to what the mods and admin over on Rosenrot have to deal with. (BTW, Onyx Wolf, you're doin' great despite the bullshit you've had to handle lately.) Looking forward to the music, and the happy day when I can say, "Never mind the bollocks, here comes Rammstein!"

2. I am looking at men--co-workers, customers, random dudes on buses, at transit centers, and everywhere else--like I just got out of prison. I chalk it up to loneliness, the kind that comes from getting out of a long-term relationship and realizing that half of my social life is tied to a computer and the other half is tied to my job. Since I can't date co-workers (ethically), and there's no way I can afford online dating at this point, and even my own mother thinks I need to get out and do things I enjoy (but sorry, Mom; community theater costs money and time I don't yet have), I'm down to looking for a volunteer stint somewhere just to have a reason to get out of the apartment on at least one of my days off. I've also successfully used a sketch pad I got to start conversations with a couple of guys, though my drawings aren't exactly art-school quality and I never did get to see either of them again. (Yet.) For what it's worth, however, I dug up the e-mail addresses of a couple of people I knew before The Last Relationship and sent off "is this still a way to reach you?" letters.
Fears: that I'll let scary dudes into my life (again), that I'll be bored (again), that dating will get in the way of my plans to go to community college and maybe teach English overseas while I work on writing enough things to be able to submit something for publication.
Reality: I'm this close to hitting up the Jehovah's Witnesses at the transit center just to have someone to talk to. Also, the younger of the two in the pair is beginning to look cute.

3. Am really, really beginning to love Die Toten Hosen. Four songs on my computer so far, and more I'm still checking out on YouTube. OTHO, here I go again with also starting to crush out on a band's singer...*sigh* *heart* I haven't found a blond (even a non-natural one) attractive since, oh, tenth grade, but...gaah. *incoherent babbling* *feeling half my age, and not in a good way*

I sat down and figured out an estimate of how much it'll cost to move in Februrary, and it turns out that I've got just about all of it sitting in the bank now. As for continuing to save, I'm doing that so I can go see my family next spring/summer. (I'm thinking of making it next June, in time for my kid sister's graduation.)

Met a guy on one of my commuter buses on Sunday. We hit it off great, but the reason he had to get off at the airport was he had to be in Alaska the next morning for a temporary fishing job. If he calls or e-mails when he gets back, hey--I'll be all smiles. If he doesn't--at least I know I can attract a guy I actually want to get to know better.
Maybe I can take my time here a little. I've been meeting better and better people just in the last week--first the loser and then some guy I kinda slept with, whose number I still have (but don't really wanna call)...and now this guy. I'm not holding my breath, though. My life comes first.

I'm going to ask the store manager about my performance review. I was supposed to have one three months ago, but it seems that the company waits for people to request them. (There's also the matter of an annual raise once you've passed your first anniversary, which I'm very interested in. As I'm at the 9-month mark right now, however, I do have to wait some more.) What I'm really after, however, is a promotion--I want to be a production-department lead, and I believe there's not only the need for one but a possible opening coming up...but that's also something I'll have to ask the boss about.

As you could guess from the title, I had an interesting thing happen the night before last. I met a guy on the bus while coming home from work, and he asked me out right then and there. Well, I'm moving out of the area--I want to live near work--in six months, and I let him know that, but I didn't mind a little chitchat and seeing where things could go as far as hanging out with each other.
I've decided that I'm through ranting about what happened next, so I'm going to look at the funny side instead. We ended up at his place--it was close to the bus station--and chatted for the next hour or so. Nearly everything that could go wrong, short of running out of money or getting arrested or pregnant, did in fact go wrong. I didn't remember my cell number, so I gave my e-mail address. He insulted everyone he specifically mentioned as being in his life. The apartment was messy. His poem was lame. I brought up being in love with someone else. (Hey, he asked what I was looking for!) It wasn't even a real date in the first place, the kind where you do things and eat and have a good time. He couldn't kiss to save his life. I wasn't going to make a MySpace page just to keep in touch with him. (I have my reasons to not have one, more to do with computer viruses than privacy, but none of them mattered to him.) He demanded that I call when I got home, to give him my cell number. I called, all right--to say that we weren't going to date. He whined until I hung up on him. (I gave him fair warning. I said "I'm hanging up now" and did, after having said "Bye" four or five times while he went on and on.) On top of that, he doesn't like Latinos and admitted to being scared when I told him I speak Spanish. That really pissed me off; I have had a lot of good friends at jobs--past and present--who are Latino and speak Spanish. (And they're not spoiled or lazy at all; they work their asses off.)
And I didn't give him a chance? The hell I didn't. Sure felt good to cut him loose, though. (I call it a photo-negative thing because it was pretty much the inverse of what I want on a date with a guy I want to be with.) And if he e-mails me...well, I have a spam filter...right?

I've been doing an exercise from a book called Write It Down, Make It Happen, where you write letters to your future romantic soul-mate, every week for the last two months. The point is to imagine what your life with the other person would be like and gear up for meeting that special someone, or at least that's the way it seems to me. Anyway, I got the idea: why not take this one step further and post these on a blog--or at least here on LJ? I'd get feedback of some sort, and maybe some guy reading it would recognize himself in my description and ask for my e-mail address. I'd delete any identifying personal information--such as my real name, where I'm from, where I live now--to keep the psychos and other predatory types at bay--but I have a few questions I want answers to first. One: since I'm not technically ready to date (living with your ex until next February will do that), what if this ends up working? Two: am I misguided at best and crazy at worst for being so openly vulnerable--and open to criticism of all stripes? Three: would a blog or site like LJ be in some way not the best way to reach people for feedback purposes? Would this, somehow, be too personal, too much like something you'd do on an Internet-dating site? 
The last question I have--am I really ready to date again at this point?--is mine to answer, and right now even my own internal signals are ambiguous. On the one hand, I'm not satisfied anymore with simply dreaming of a whole-hearted relationship, and I'd be willing to look on my own terms. On the other, I feel like I absolutely have to live away from my ex and be well on my way to getting my life (read: career prospects) together first. That, to me, means either being in community college or working on getting my writing published...and, of the two, college is far more within my reach--I don't have any original writing to offer right now, at least not of the prose variety. The problem with that, however, is that I don't know what specific courses I want to take...all I know is, I want to study literature and languages and I'd definitely look into what it takes to teach English as a second language--preferably overseas. (Though that might screw up my chances of meeting the love of my life...decisions, decisions...)
Needless to say, I'm nervous. Even my own subconscious voice is demanding some kind of a decision on that last question.

I'm just...babbling right now. First of all, sad and disappointed that Herzeleid.com got shut down. Sounds like everything important's already been said, but...yeah. It really shakes me up, and I'm still in shock about it. Without that site I probably would've never even become a fan in the first place, and now it's just...gone.

On to other things, I suppose. Had a great big talk with my mom and younger sister last night over the phone. I'm still planning on taking a trip down there, though when I do it depends on how much I save up once I move and how much everything costs. The talk got fairly deep in spots when it came to the old days of Mom's marriage to Dad and some other things, but overall it went well.

Work's going well, I suppose. Got moved to two days in wares, two days in books, and one day of "floater" duty--whatever that means--with my days off changed to Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I had to pull a six-day stint last week because of the schedule change, which was a bitch but I survived it. I've also proven (again) that I can handle pitching in in the donation-receiving department, to the point where the store manager came up to me and told me that she'd pointed to my little four-person gang and held us up to the material handlers as an example of how to do their jobs.  (They were in a meeting at the time.)
The girl I work with in wares thinks I'll be made a lead "soon". (She may be right; she used to be one herself, from what I've heard.) I don't want to say anything just yet--at least, not until I'm getting my performance review, which I still need to ask for--but I really would like a promotion. I could use the raise and increased responsibilty; at this point, a trained monkey can do my job, and with what I'm saving up in order to move in February the money wouldn't hurt either.

My plans now include finding out the average rent cost for a room where I'd like to move, working my new clothing purchase (I blew nearly a hundred dollars today, most of it on new underthings) into my wardrobe, and the usual keeping-on-keeping-on.

My ex and I ended up having this whole conversation last night about my father-figure issues, how I've been attracted to guys who've ended up playing the role my dad couldn't because he died when I was growing up, and how I need to let go of the need for a father figure if I'm going to have a mature, equal relationship with a guy. I'll admit that I have a push-pull thing going on, where I'm hugely attracted at first but end up pushing the guy away before I have a chance to really get emotionally connected--I'm scared that the guy will end up "leaving" me, so I do the pushing-away thing first. And yes, this is something I'd work out in therapy if I had a shrink of some sort.
However, I ended up staying up way too late--not just on account of the conversation, but from having to come down from it as well--and being so tired today it took the second energy drink (of two I had) to wake me up. I really didn't wake up until around three o'clock, well into my shift.

I do believe I need to have these conversations with someone; however, I just don't like staying up too late at night to have them.

Hey, all,

I know it's been weeks since I last posted; it's been an even longer time since I've really been on here frequently. Here's a sample of what's been going on lately:

1. I've been starting to put my best foot forward at work, with the hopes of a promotion coming from it. I'm bored--a trained monkey can do my current job--and I'm sick of earning only minimum wage when I know I can do better. I've also been a lead before, though this time the supervisor above me probably won't be able to shove half his job description onto me while he's god-knows-where and I've got a crew of people who stop cleaning the moment I'm not watching. (Which is a main reason I haven't gone for this before.)
2. I'm only 7 months away from having to move (the lease is up in February), and...I haven't started looking yet. I know where I want to end up--in one of two places, both of which happen to have community colleges nearby--but am completely scared to death when it comes to looking online. I've never done it before--I've only ever lived either with my parents, in some kind of institutional setting (army, Job Corps, transitional housing) or with someone I've slept with--so even browsing on Craigslist is something that intimidates the hell out of me. However, unless I want my next apartment to be that public-storage place down the street from work (and did I mention that my lease is up in February? *shivers*), I need to start looking for a room-mate already.
Note on this one: my ex's father has prostate cancer, which throws a curve ball his way--and, to an extent, mine. On the other hand, for her own reasons, my ex's mom seems to be content to have her baby boy three thousand miles away. *sigh of relief* Me...I just hope we don't lose the apartment before it's time.
3. I've been doing a lot of thinking about not only "what went wrong" in my last relationship--hint: the onus really does fall on me (more on that another time)--but what I really want as far as my future with someone else. Chalk it up to that upcoming Saturn return if you like, but in general I'm discontent with what I've made of my life so far and I'm taking charge of any changes I'm making in it. When it comes to looking for love, this means understanding the relationship issues I have and refusing to be held back from the intimacy I want by those fears from my upbringing and adult history. This also means understanding why I (still) want to drag the job-instruction guy at work off to the nearest bed-like surface and have my way with him...so far, it goes deeper than I usually care to admit, and the underlying reasons are things that I will have to deal with when I actually start dating again.  If my budget and time available didn't make it unlikely, I'd look into dealing with them in therapy as well.

I've gotten a little better about admitting I'm in over my head, but then that's something I've been working on quite a bit lately...and had plenty of opportunity to practice. It's just...I can't do this alone, and I've been ridiculous about trying to do so.

1. My fucking Internet connection keeps going out. This isn't new, but it also isn't really an incentive to get in-depth when surfing a site when I have to log back in every ten minutes or so. And when I wanna post? Gaah.

2. More internal work...I hit the jackpot when I found a book called Becoming Real--it's all about how, if the stories we put together about ourselves as kids hold us back as adults, we can change them. I, for one, have enough past issues to put National Geographic to shame, which is the reason why I'm still working out of this other book--the one where you work out what you learned about life as a child and decide which parts you wanna keep and which ones you wanna change. The two books together should work.

3. My reaction to dropping over 20 pounds has been to completely shoot all my hard work to hell in a handbasket. I'm terrified of going the rest of the way, and while I know it's because of the "you've gotta be fat to be safe" tape in my subconscious--one of many I inherited from Mom--I've still put on a couple of pounds. I think if I continue the work but stop weighing myself for a few weeks I should get started again. 

4. Dealing with guilt; this time of year marks the first anniversary of when my ex-fiance proposed to me. If only he wouldn't bring it up, or cry and get all heart-broken with me, I just might get through without turning into a puddle myself. He doesn't know how hard it was for me to feel his heart breaking, and I don't know how to get him to understand that I can feel all that pain without sobbing my eyes out. (I refuse to turn into a basket case over it. I have a life of my own to build, and enough problems with that as it is.)

5. There really isn't much work-related info to post, other than I finally, finally got over the computer instructor. Again. I hope the crush doesn't come back this time; once I realized once and for all that I only wanted to fuck his brains out and that I will not--cannot--ever go back to pursuing married co-workers (budding self-respect?), I let it go.
We got a new store manager recently, which has been okay, but despite a few minor changes it's been business as usual. I still don't have the measure of her; I just haven't gotten to know her, but she seems to be very open so far. I figure that I'll post more about this and other things some other time.

So that's what's going on right now, basically...

I got up ten minutes early this morning, which put me at 3:20 am instead of 3:30 am. (I leave early on Saturdays, on account of the bus schedule.) And I didn't sleep much (went to sleep by 10 pm), so I got up cranky anyway. Then I did something to my left knee during my morning warmup--I have knock knees, and for some unknown reason *snickers* the lunges didn't agree with them. *hates having knock knees*
Since I was not only cranky but hurting a little, I only did half the usual workout--one set each of the minimum # of reps given for each exercise--with the during-workout stretching. And whined the whole way through. (I gave myself permission to whine and generally have a bad start today.)
I ended up soaking my legs afterwards, and drooling over the new pic I put up on my desktop--figured that "shirtless Till" made a good visual reward while in the bathtub.

Started talking to my ex about plans to become an interpreter. Turns out there were a few...glaring omissions in the information I had from a certain former co-worker. First: the cost and time involved. He'd mentioned neither, and according to my ex you have to put in something like 6 to 9 grand and two to three semesters of course work to get the certification. Second: the amount of receptionist work one tends to do in a medical clinic, which I've thought of working in. I hate dealing with an endless parade of new faces when it comes to customer service; that's why I'm currently working a production job. I'm much more of the "in-depth" person--fewer people and more one-on-one time with each.
My Spanish isn't as good as it used to be, which is more of a reason to get certified; I can brush up on it in the process. However, I may have to look for a work environment where I'm not dealing with as many new people on a regular basis. And how I'm gonna do that, I don't yet know.
I'm not doing any looking into any of this just yet; I'm taking the time before I move (in February) to generally get my shit together. However, I would like to take advantage of the free computer courses at work to gain an edge in changing career fields--especially in this fucking recession. And since I'm finally getting over my crush on a certain instructor, I just may be able to deal with the man without turning pink in the face and getting distracted.
However...I could have used this kind of information before my little buddy quit in the first place!

...I'm still alive and out here. Just got done scanning through the last 100 or so posts, after looking to put an ad up on Craigslist--offering myself as a Spanish-language tutor. (They need a telephone confirmation for that and, since I'm in the library and my cell phone's low, I'll do it later.)

@ Saithey: great to hear you're going for the nursing program!
@ aquila0212: the job situation sounds like it really sucks. However, you're right--at least you still have a job. Hang in there, hon. *hugs*


My own life's about...average. Still doing the eating-right-and-exercising thing--I'm down to 159.6 pounds (dropped 16.2 total so far) as of today, and my measurements surprised me. It's been eight weeks, and my bust, hips, and waist are all smaller by several inches apiece.
I got an mp3 player, which I put three Oomph! albums (all downloaded) on; it really comes in handy for cardio workouts. However, I'm putting more things on it...mostly what I already have. (A second laptop and a thumb drive really help with that.)

I had an "almost" experience with some kid who goes to the local community college. I found him attractive and comfortable enough to be around, he showed some interest...one blow job later, he offered to come over to my place. We were supposed to meet up at the college. Well, guess who decided to reschedule. And guess who didn't show up later...I found it interesting that, when I called the number he'd given, I ended up hearing a woman at the other end. And I seem to remember her saying she was his girlfriend. Case closed, along with my willingness to have the kid over.
I'm taking it in stride, working internally with myself on what kind of person I'd actually want to have in my life. While I wouldn't say no to a fling (see above), even at this point I'm not only being fairly picky (it isn't too much to ask that the guy be attractive, willing, okay with using protection, and single to boot) but--for the most part--too busy with my other pursuits. I'm working on another R+ slash fic--it involves Richard and airport security, and is definitely not for younger readers--when I'm not working out, working, doing emotional work (I'm putting together what kind of a life I'd like to build for myself), or hanging out over on Rosenrot. I'm also figuring out how much of that humongous tax refund I got (finally) is going towards my savings fund for things like moving out, my 28th birthday, and possibly a concert ticket once I know if R+ is gonna tour here in the Northwest. With all that going on, what's one guy who wanted to get a little on the side?

We had a meeting today at work, for the whole store--but I didn't know that a certain hot, gorgeous computer instructor was going to be there...not ten feet away from my spot on a couch. Needless to say, the first part of the meeting went in one ear and out the other. He ended up having a little to say about how we were bringing in enough money as a store to allow him to expand the job-skills training center, while I sat there and took a rapidly developing interest in his choice of outfit. (Not to mention the most efficent way to remove it.)
He left after that part, but I ended up...shall we say...distracted for most of the day. My numbers were shot to shit anyway, however, since the meeting ate up the first hour of my shift.

Speaking of distractions, I've been rambling over on Rosenrot's rant thread lately about this creepy volunteer kid the boss was going to talk to. It turns out that, not only was he not in yesterday, but it looks like he may not be back at all. (Yes!) Looks like I wasn't the only one he creeped out...

On the home front: I put on a little bit last week, and once I got over the shock of seeing my weight up on the scale, I found the culprit: my portions. So I cut back somewhat. I also went up in weight with the dumbbells--the five-pounders have been too easy, so I changed them out for a pair of eight-pounders. What a workout!
As my workbook reminds me, I've been at this for nearly four weeks now. I'm thinking of going back and re-doing the exercises for the next month, giving me time to work out how the hell I'm going to find time to do an expanded beginner's-level strength-training workout and alternate it with cardio activities.

Also sent a letter to my mother, telling her what's been going on--with my engagement-breaking and working-out and the way I don't hate her anymore for the way she raised me. It took, oddly enough, starting this workout plan to realize that her past doesn't have to be my future. I don't have to eat too damn much and hide my body just because her dad did some shit to her when she was three, you know? (Telling myself this helps when I feel vulnerable and hide myself in a hoodie and jeans...again...which also reminds me to go ahead and feel vulnerable all I want sometimes.)
On the other hand, I've been getting counter-productive urges that--if given in to--would at least temporarily derail my progress. For example, I've been craving booze today; I know that's one of my stress signals, but short of going out and buying and drinking a bottle of O'Reilly's Irish cream I don't know a lot of other things to do to get rid of the feeling that I'm going to crawl out of my skin. (Though I know that meditation would help.) Ditto for occasionally wanting to get down and dirty with someone I barely know...or really don't know at all. Making like a slut tends to get me involved in either unsatisflying one-night stands or equally unsatisfying relationships, but since I really don't want either option--i'm holding out until I know who and what I want for the long term--that pretty much means I'm celibate until I find someone again. (Or at least until after I move out, which is a possibility.)
Lots of work to do still on both issues. Maybe I do need to find a therapist after all, despite my best intentions of not bringing in outside help.
Sorry that this post is longer than I'd planned on it being...it happens when you don't write very often.

I haven't been on here in a while. I've been offline more often lately, or over on rosenrot.ca, and had to play catch-up reading everyone else's posts. Sorry for neglecting birthdays, funerals, and trips to Vegas, but while I haven't meant to ignore anyone I have been somewhat busy.

I've also been working out and eating better lately, which explains what I've been focusing on. It's something I'm doing that's been a long time coming, that I have complete control over, and that's helping me out quite a bit. My goal is ultimately to not only drop about fifty pounds but redefine myself as a grown woman at a weight I haven't been at since junior high. Toning muscles and getting in shape enter into it, too.
It's certainly been helping with the self-discipline. I feel more grounded, more focused, and finally willing to do those annoying little things like keep track of my finances and clean my room every week. I'm also dealing with some body-image issues that mostly have to do with my mother's example and her own past; I've been afraid of being attractive, lest some creep not take "no" for an answer, and after dropping only three and a half pounds so far (the first week) I've noticed that I'm back in jeans and T-shirts more often than not. I keep reminding myself that dear old Mom went through a lot of bad shit as a kid and that the vast majority of guys out there do not rape people...besides, as a grown woman I have options she didn't have.
Changing my body like this, with a plan and the decision to stick to it, is taking some serious cojones on my part. It's also taking up most of my "thinking" time, which also explains why I haven't put out a new fanfic story in at least the last month or so. (Though I am working on a couple of promising ideas.)

My ex is busy helping his friends move--the ones who used to be "our" friends before the shit hit the fan. It's been nice not having him around moping and playing online D&D and knocking at my door while I'm doing something else. He told me a little while back that part of what he wants from me is a reason why I even got with him in the first place--it'd give him closure or something. While I do have an explanation for my actions--I wasn't that into him, but I mistook our budding friendship and the fact that I really, really needed to get laid for what could have been romantic love--I'd really like to wait until he's cooled down from helping with the move (as in, several weeks--there are other factors, such as bad shit going down with the friends in question) to spring it on him.
Relationships are something else I'm looking at differently when it comes to what I want for the future. (If it were possible, I'd say I'm having my Saturn return start a little early--I'm doing this whole planning-for-the-future thing in general. Who knows, maybe it is possible. Certainly other things have been.) Right now, however, I know I'm not ready to date again; I'm not even looking for a hookup at this point. I'm busy at home redefining how I could best satisfy my deeper needs--bonding with someone else, showing vulnerability, things like that--and what I even consider my approach to sex and relationships in the first place. It's a lot of inner work without a hell of a lot to show for it right now, but for some reason I feel it's just necessary.

Hope that's enough of an explanation for now. Again, I'm trying to play catch-up on here and let you all know what's been happening with me.

I won't say it's been easy, but I'm still doing my thing. However, God...has it really been a month since I was still in the motel room? Yeah.

Big surprise--John still isn't speaking to me. It turns out that he thinks (according to my ex) that I used him back when we were still sleeping together. Fine time to bring up old business, buddy. *sigh* I'm waiting for him and his two-woman entourage to move like they're planning to anyway, that way I get all the juicy stuff secondhand (just like now) but without the annoying feeling of knowing that they're two floors down in the same fucking building.
I posted more about some of my experience over on Rosenrot, in the rant thread, so I won't repeat it here. It's too goddamn early in the morning to get that pissed off.

And it's not like my ex is taking this well either. We had one of those intense discussions--the ones where he talks and it hurts to hear it but I don't say shit 'cause why would I turn to him for comfort when I hurt him in the first place--on Tuesday, and he may not realize it but every time he tells me he hurts inside it pushes all my guilt buttons. I know he needs to vent, but fuck--does it have to be me he vents to? I wish he would get a shrink already like he wants (and needs) to, that way he'll have someone to talk to. I know he's worse off than even I am emotionally, for obvious reasons--I broke up with him, not vice versa--but still. He's not the one who lost friends over this shit. He's not the one who's looking at changing the very way he lives his life in the process.

Sorry to dump all this here, but it works a lot better than random bouts of screaming in public places. For one, I don't have to worry about getting kicked off the bus or having security called to deal with me.

My ex-fiance dropped a lot in my lap this morning. It's not enough that (because of the black-mold situation in  the other apartment downstairs) if his friend calls the health department it might mean we'd lose our place as well--the entire complex would have to move. And guess who would have to find a roommate ASAP or live in a storage unit until she could find one
It gets worse. His friend rides the same bus route as I do in the mornings and evenings. This is the friend who isn't speaking to me...and, according to my ex, not only thinks I'm trying to talk to him (I'm not; I'm talking to myself while he walks by) but actually said that I was talking to myself on the bus one morning--to the point where that driver had to get me to shut up. (That's the part that has me really steamed...it never fucking happened at all.)

My ex doesn't know who to believe. He thinks I might be lying--after all, according to him, our entire relationship was based on me using him--but supposedly told the guy to shut up about me as well.

Ever wanted to go somewhere and scream for a few hours? That's me right now.

Hi, Ann. Got the thing that says it's your birthday and, while I don't know how to attach any sexy Till pics or anything, decided to send some birthday wishes your way anyway. So I hope you get home from work, pop open a bottle of champagne (Martinelli's works, too), and have a long sip while looking up those pictures of a certain singer.

*hugs*
*balloons and noise makers*

P.S. Never mind the mood thing. I replied to your comment to my last post before posting this, so I'm a little frayed.

...but I've been fretting about my computer and Internet access. I installed Limewire (I wanted to download some Oomph! songs), and the computer let me know I needed to increase my virtual memory (whatever that is). Then it wouldn't shut off for about, oh, ten minutes. And it wouldn't let me get online, either.
I managed to fix both problems by not using my computer for about a week. I also got the Internet access put completely in my name today, which takes a lot of pressure off my ex-fiance, which also takes a lot of pressure off me.

I've also been dealing with the complications that go with turning a romantic relationship into a roommate one. Yesterday he brought up some of my other relationship issues--it got personal, to say the least--and it shook me up. He apologized for getting me riled up, but now I'm mulling over what he brought up in the first place. And keeping the CD with "Animal I Have Become" on it handy...
I know I need therapy. I know my parents' relationship when I was a kid was a highly flawed model of what it means to be a committed partner. (Now, on the other hand, if you just want to be committed...) I know I have the long-held idea of men wanting what they want without much input from the woman. I even know that, to me, a romantic relationship is all about sacrifice and self-denial. And I know why my ex-fiance thinks I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life if I never work on these issues. I just don't know why it's so vitally important to work on this bullshit now, right when I'm working more on trying to be independent and make new friends and study a foreign language on my own and all this other crap I'd frankly rather be doing. Or maybe this is something I can do later on down the road...because I figure that, no matter what person I end up with, this is going to keep coming up until I lay it to rest.
I'm also running into another problem. My last few relationships have been with guys. The temptation to swing the other way just so I don't have to deal with guys--as opposed to other women--is coming up in me, and while I haven't yet had anything satisfying with a girlfriend either I'm wondering what that would be like. I'm even beginning to wonder (since my issues with women are different) if it'd be easier for me to make something work with a girlfriend than a boyfriend. Now, this is all just in the back of my mind right now, and while I realize that relationship issues are going to be a problem for me no matter what the gender of the other person is...it's still tempting. Then again, it's been over two years since I've pursued anything with a woman--maybe, once things get more settled (and ideally once this next year of living with my "roommate" is over), I could do some looking around. You know, to at least get laid or something.

So that's some of what's been going on around here. Again, sorry I haven't been posting a lot or really paying a lot of attention, but--you know.

...but I broke up with my fiance today, letting him know that I really do want to be roommates but not more than friends. While he is angry about it (understandable), he's also been upfront and fair-minded--I get the second bedroom and not the couch, he'll still drive me to the rail station on Saturday mornings, things like that.
He let me know, however, that his mom is pissed. This wouldn't affect me, except that his parents are gonna visit as part of some trip that they're doing later this year. I plan on being at work as much as possible...or at least away from the scene of the crime. I did hurt her baby boy, after all.
Our--or should I say "his"--friends aren't crazy about my decision either. The consensus is that I'm about to run out on him, when in reality I would like to stick it out another year in this apartment before moving out--after which time he'll end up either employed or back with his parents. He's got some promising job leads, including an interview on the 6th, which I'm wishing him luck on--so I'm hoping he gets something soon and doesn't have to worry about moving back to Virginia. (I'd wish living there upon an enemy, but not someone I actually care about.)

Consequences? Oh hell, yeah. For one thing, I'm not gonna be able to work that crazy-ass Sunday shift the store manager put me down for by basically saying my job depended on it--then again, she's not there anymore, so changing it should, at least in theory, be a little easier. Letting the assistant guy know that the only way I made it two Sundays in a row was living in a motel should do it, along with providing bus schedule info to offer incentive to change my schedule to something earlier in the day. (No free rides, remember? Not now that he's only a roommate.)
I'm also gonna be strapped for cash, paying half of everything plus my own individual expenses. Then again, I don't feel comfortable unless I'm paying my own way, so this should work out.

The crazy thing is, I think this is all for the better in the long run. I'm happily single, paying my own way, and doing what I feel I need to do.

I just got off the phone with my fiance. Turns out that my bus pass for next month had arrived, and he'd dropped me an e-mail telling me so. I figured that the easiest thing to do was call him and then come over tonight to pick it up--along with a few other little things I kinda need for the room.

I have another insight, however: I am not responsible for his feelings. Ultimately, they're his own. I might be feeling guilty about hurting him by a) being apart for a while, and b) pretty much planning to break it off with him (for now, or for good--who can say?), but while I can see how my actions affect him it's really not up to me to rescue him from his pain. Especially if I were motivated by guilt to deny my own needs and try to make everything "better"...mainly for him. That'd be a mistake--a big one, for both of us; I'd be lying to him as well as to myself.
Now, I can strive to be decent in my dealing with him, and be honest and forthright and yet kind at the same time. That isn't trying to make anything "better"; that's just not being an asshole. However, I have a certain prerogative to not go, "Oh, you poor baby, I was so mean to you..." and coddle him.
*finger-down-throat motion*
My guilt isn't even of the "I'm leaving a guy who loves me" variety, either--it's a far more primal "oh, shit, I hurt someone's feelings--I did a very bad thing and now I'm going to pay for it" thing. In other words, it's the usual one for me. However, it's been my decision thus far to do what got me to this point, and while there are consequences I figure I can at least take responsibility for my own actions and emotions. I've got enough there to take on, without adding in any self-imposed duty to be the woman I think my fiance might want me to be just so his feelings get spared at the expense of my own.

Any new insights? Yes.

1. I need therapy once I can afford it. However, that might not be for a while. If I'm the roommate I want to be (as opposed to the fiancee), I'm going to be paying my own way a lot more. That means being strapped for cash a lot more. It also, however, means that I'm going to feel a lot more independent--which might be enough of a boost that therapy could wait.

2. I've been blaming him for my own fear of change, partially out of some kind of misguided belief (thank you, Mom...even though you didn't know better either) that to be in a relationship means to give up your own dreams and ambitions and generally be self-sacrificing. The resentments I've piled up as a result of this, and also after nearly two years of "expectations" I've taken on, are staggering when I really look at them; it's amazing that I've even stuck it out with this guy as long as I have.

With that said, I have realized not only that I don't want to sleep with him again, but that I don't have the romantic longings of a love relationship either. Being a roommate would be, for me, a relief. Maybe it's like someone said and I can't love anyone...at least, at this point. (You guys should see my list of what I think of when I see the word "love".)

I have more insights, but I'm falling asleep here at the keyboard...so I'll be back, maybe later...